Thank God celebrities haven't stopped naming their children ridiculous things. (Because how else could I make fun of a newborn?) Beyonce (a.k.a., her surrogate) gave birth to a baby girl named Blue Ivy Carter in New York City on Saturday. The Internet couldn't shut up about "Blue Ivy" on Sunday... and since I am generally a very lazy person, I just assumed that it was a new form of chemical warfare. Or a new super-villain.

Congratulations, B. I bet that completely real pregnancy and c-section you had was hard to go through.

Fake enthusiasm aside, Drew Barrymore (the class is she/isn't she hot celebrity) is indeed getting married. She dated her fiance Will Kopelman for about a year before committing to him. He is an art consultant, which is one of those jobs where I'm not entirely sure how they make money. (If they make money.) ... so now it's no surprise why the two got engaged so quickly. She is getting desperate and he wants a shot at her money. Boom. The human psyche is so easy.

Russell Brand claims that he used to be a sex addict, having sex upwards of 5 times a day. (How he found enough women to participate in said sexy times, I'll never know. ... and it's just cheating if he is counting the times by himself, because then even I am way over 5 times a day). So now, he is citing that as a reason that they didn't get along - Kitty Purry wasn't willing to play his sexy games.

Russell Brand is notorious for his once-wild lifestyle and attempts to change his bad boy ways. But according to a report in the newest issue of Us Weekly, Brand allegedly wasn't able to kick all of his bad habits.

"Katy was kinky enough during their first times together and he was very attracted to her," a source claimed.

"He likes dirty things. He really gets off on one particular porno with a guy in a wheelchair. He's attracted to things he can't imagine happening to him. (And) he has a closet full of sex toys."

So once they were married, Katy Perry was less willing to impress him by having sex while watching wheelchair porno and playing with sex toys? Hm, that's absolutely surprising. That has to be a one-time example.

Just look at this hunk of man meat that Selena Gomez gets to fantasize about wrapping her legs around (because she would never do that since she is an innocent, perfect virgin). He has it all! A jauntily placed hat, white boxer briefs and a torso that I could only describe as concave. WORK IT, Justin!

Mariah Carey posted a picture of her and her husband Nick Cannon in a hospital bed in Aspen on Twitter for atten... to ask for thoughts and prayers so he can have a speedy recovery. He is recovering from a "mild kidney failure." (Who knew that there was a mild version of renal failure?) Mariah said on her blog:

"We're trying to be as festive as possible under the circumstances but please keep Nick in your thoughts because this is very painful. They tried to kick me out of the hospital but here I am pon de bed with Mr. C."

"We're doing OK but we're 'straaaaaanded in Aspen' ... the truth is as long as we're together, we're OK. I'm not trying to make light out of the situation because it's a serious moment that's very tough on all of us so please keep us and our family in your prayers. LYM."

I have to admire Mariah for ability to make jokes and laugh about her husband's conditions when his organs are failing! You just don't see that kind of humor much anymore these days.

So, Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Antonio Brown stole a baby. Luckily, he ended up with his own child (surely it was by accident). The mother wants it back but he is all "LOL, no!" It's getting intense.

Shameika Brailsford (yep) filed documentation in Miami, claiming Antonio has had custody of their 4-year-old son in Pennsylvania for months, while he plays with the Steelers. ... but in contradiction to what I literally just wrote, Shameika ALSO says that Antonio took the child without her permission and she hasn't had contact with the kid since Antonio took him away. Maybe I'm misunderstanding the whole "the NFL player has had custody for months" part. If he really straight up stole the kid, wouldn't she have reacted sooner than four months later?

Shameika's asking the court for an emergency child pick-up order (seriously I can't read her name without going into giggle fits). According to Antonio's lawyer, "The mother obviously knew where the child was the entire time and, in fact, Mr. Brown recently arranged for the mother to visit with the child in Pittsburgh. This is nothing more than a classic attempt to shake down a professional athlete for money."

Word.

Most women are vulnerable after a divorce (that's why I camp outside courthouses with a flask of Jack Daniels), but Zooey Deschanel is more exposed than others. Not only is she going through a painful divorce, but her stupid lawyer attached Zooey's income/expense declaration when filing to divorce from Ben Gibbard, the lead singer of Death Cab for Cutie. This means that a celebrity's finances are displayed for the world to see! (Prepare to be depressed over your own financial situation.)

Zooey makes $95,000 a month from "New Girl" and other projects.

Her expenses average $22,550 a month

She has 3 credit cards (American Express, Visa and Mastercard) all of which have a 0 balance.

She has $1,578,000 cash in the bank.

Zooey has an additional $1,645,000 in stocks, bonds, etc.

She has real and personal property valued at $693,300

As for expenses....
She spends $1,000 on groceries and household supplies

$500 eating out

$800 on utilities

$300 for her various phones and email accounts,

$600 in laundry and cleaning,

$2,000 for clothes.

$1,500 a month to charity.

On the bright side, a famous actress has less than $2 million cash? That adjusts my world view. I always assumed that if you were famous enough to be in movies and television, you were a multimillionaire. Now I know that most are just poor. And spend $600 a month on laundry.