Mariah Carey posted a picture of her and her husband Nick Cannon in a hospital bed in Aspen on Twitter for atten... to ask for thoughts and prayers so he can have a speedy recovery. He is recovering from a "mild kidney failure." (Who knew that there was a mild version of renal failure?) Mariah said on her blog:

"We're trying to be as festive as possible under the circumstances but please keep Nick in your thoughts because this is very painful. They tried to kick me out of the hospital but here I am pon de bed with Mr. C."

"We're doing OK but we're 'straaaaaanded in Aspen' ... the truth is as long as we're together, we're OK. I'm not trying to make light out of the situation because it's a serious moment that's very tough on all of us so please keep us and our family in your prayers. LYM."

I have to admire Mariah for ability to make jokes and laugh about her husband's conditions when his organs are failing! You just don't see that kind of humor much anymore these days.

So, Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Antonio Brown stole a baby. Luckily, he ended up with his own child (surely it was by accident). The mother wants it back but he is all "LOL, no!" It's getting intense.

Shameika Brailsford (yep) filed documentation in Miami, claiming Antonio has had custody of their 4-year-old son in Pennsylvania for months, while he plays with the Steelers. ... but in contradiction to what I literally just wrote, Shameika ALSO says that Antonio took the child without her permission and she hasn't had contact with the kid since Antonio took him away. Maybe I'm misunderstanding the whole "the NFL player has had custody for months" part. If he really straight up stole the kid, wouldn't she have reacted sooner than four months later?

Shameika's asking the court for an emergency child pick-up order (seriously I can't read her name without going into giggle fits). According to Antonio's lawyer, "The mother obviously knew where the child was the entire time and, in fact, Mr. Brown recently arranged for the mother to visit with the child in Pittsburgh. This is nothing more than a classic attempt to shake down a professional athlete for money."

Word.

Most women are vulnerable after a divorce (that's why I camp outside courthouses with a flask of Jack Daniels), but Zooey Deschanel is more exposed than others. Not only is she going through a painful divorce, but her stupid lawyer attached Zooey's income/expense declaration when filing to divorce from Ben Gibbard, the lead singer of Death Cab for Cutie. This means that a celebrity's finances are displayed for the world to see! (Prepare to be depressed over your own financial situation.)

Zooey makes $95,000 a month from "New Girl" and other projects.

Her expenses average $22,550 a month

She has 3 credit cards (American Express, Visa and Mastercard) all of which have a 0 balance.

She has $1,578,000 cash in the bank.

Zooey has an additional $1,645,000 in stocks, bonds, etc.

She has real and personal property valued at $693,300

As for expenses....
She spends $1,000 on groceries and household supplies

$500 eating out

$800 on utilities

$300 for her various phones and email accounts,

$600 in laundry and cleaning,

$2,000 for clothes.

$1,500 a month to charity.

On the bright side, a famous actress has less than $2 million cash? That adjusts my world view. I always assumed that if you were famous enough to be in movies and television, you were a multimillionaire. Now I know that most are just poor. And spend $600 a month on laundry.

Lesson 1: France has knights.

Lesson 2: Salma Hayek is going to get knighted. ... and it unfortunately isn't an act that you could describe by saying "she'll be knighted till she cries." I mean she will literally be knighted. (I disappoint myself.)

The President of France, Nicolas Sarkozy, will award Salma Hayek the Legion d'Honneur. As for why she is getting a French knighthood... I can only assume it's because of the boobs. (That's it, right?)

Hayek will receive a formal induction, which involves a Presidential medal pinning.

Her induction will likely occur at the Elysees Palace within the next two months, says a source.

Founded by Napoleon in 1802 as a merit award, the Legion of Honor is awarded to military personnel and civilians for service to France. It is not exclusively reserved for the French and is often awarded to figures of international standing.

Past recipients - who are entitled to wear a small rosette pin indicating their rank - include Jerry Lewis, Clint Eastwood, Robert Redford and Robert De Niro.

Oh, goodie, a pin! Well, what we can take away from this friends is that it's good to see that the United States isn't the only country that is obsessed with celebrities to the point of lunacy.

What does the SNL cast member Jason Sudeikis and Olivia Wilde have in common? You wouldn't guess it at first, but Olivia loves to touch Jason's penis. So cute, right?

These two are quite possibly the cutest famous couple I have ever seen, simply because of the fact that anytime I look at them, I think of Jason Sudeikis doing his awesome Joe Biden impression and I LOL. Because that means Joe Biden totally goes down on Olivia Wilde.

... just going to be completely honest here, but now I imagine Sarah Palin in bed with them.

If there is one thing I know about Miami, it's that most of it is really dirty. It's a city literally teeming with bums waiting to expose themselves to passers by. And if I know anything about Jennifer Lopez, it's that she loves to step on the downtrodden and still claim that she is Jenny from the Block. So this trip to Miami must be hilarious and full of bums getting kicked in the face with stilettos.

Also, she is dating someone named Casper Smart. It's always reassuring to know that it doesn't take long for people to get over their long term relationships. Broken heart? No big. Just look at JLo and Casper the Ghost - they're so happy together. YOU CAN'T STOP TRUE LOVE!

Does it really matter that I have no idea who Stephanie Seymour is? Aren't we all human? Can't I just appreciate that this woman graciously bent over in a tight bikini while she was vacationing in St. Bart's? We all know that "El Doggy Style" isn't really a natural position for someone in public who is also scantily clad; so let us thank Stephanie for doing her job as an attractive female by objectifying her.