This is the reason for the season; not the draining holiday get togethers with family members you secretly loathe... and not even the egotistical exchange of gifts. The important thing we need to remember during the holidays is this: there are women in the world as attractive as Leilani Dowding. And your girlfriend isn't one of them.

I do my best to chain any girl I'm dating to a chair for 80% of the day (why would she need to move or eat?) so that cuts down on her body fat. But then we face the problem of muscle atrophy... oh girls, they make relationships so silly!

So Merry Christmas Leilani Dowding! Thank you for reminding us of that good the world can bring! (Hot girls in fluffy Santa hats.)

This is the point of Lindsay Lohan's life where her cries for attention get so ear-piercingly loud that it might just be best if someone from the shady underbelly of Hollywood puts her out of her misery. She was seen in an airport holding up a fake "Untitled" script written by "Entertainment." She was literally waving in it around ahd shielding herself with it, as if it was completely realistic and it would magically conjure jobs in front of her very eyes. If anyone believes that this paperclipped piece of garbage is real, they deserve to be beat down by Adam Lambert's fancy, bejeweled fists.

Just kidding, he was arrested for punching his big, gay boyfriend. The former American Idol contestant Adam Lambert got into trouble for starting a fight in a Finnish bar with his boyfriend, Sauli Koskinen (a star of the Finnish Big Brother, yet another show that if watched, is a relationship deal breaker... especially the Scandinavian vesrion). The fancy fight started inside the bar in Helsinki, but progressed as most bar fights do. Everyone ended up in a crowd on the street, Adam Lambert was concerned about messing up his eyeliner and anyone who attempted to help break up the fight was assaulted as well. And this just goes to show you that even gay men can act like crazy-coated bags of testosterone.

Just kidding, those kids are way too young to be having sex! At least Kim Kardashian was introducing them to the idea of receiving oral sex from voluptuous women on tape in exchange for money and fame. That is what makes her a true humanitarian; she is trying to give these kids a better life.

But seriously, she was there for some kind of craft fair. A trip that she presented as a humanitarian mission, but thankfully news outlets like the Enquirer weren't falling for that sh*t:

During her 48-hour stay in the nation's capital, the reality TV diva - accompanied by her mother/manager Kris Jenner - stayed in a $1,000-a-night hotel suite, traveled in a royalty-worthy convoy with her own photographers and bodyguards, and strutted down the runway in a fashion show.

But she mostly avoided the squalid refugee camps where an estimated 600,000 Haitians remain homeless with little access to sanitary facilities and clean water.

When she visited a school to hand out Christmas presents, it was the area's most prestigious academy - and orphans were bused in to meet her!

So not only was she in Haiti for a fashion show... she only showed compassion for the kids in the country who were the least in need of some kindness. Celebrities really are sexy angels.

Be calm, fan boys and girls, for Gerard Butler is not actually on the brink of death. He just nearly drowned while filming some surfing movie; he was rescued and taken by an ambulance to the Stanford Medical Center for an exam. How and why did he nearly asphyxiate underwater? Because Hollywood people are stupid and he was filming his (probably horrible) surfer movie at Mavericks, a place known for killing people with its stories-high waves.

(The accident took place at) at Mavericks, a famed Northern California surf break known for treacherous, stories-high waves. Butler had not surfed much before the movie but had made an effort to improve his surfing and water skills for the film. Maverick's cold water and giant waves have made it a Mt. Everest-like conquest for some surfers.

In 1994, Mark Foo, a seasoned big-wave surfer from Hawaii, died while surfing Mavericks.

Ten-time surfing world champion Kelly Slater has also talked about how dangerous the wave is after getting held down after a wipeout there in 2000.

So taking an inexperienced actor on the waves that killed professionals is probably a smart idea. Good job, Hollywood. At least you're doing your job to cull the herd. We only have so many resources after all.

Months ago, Lancome got into trouble for Photoshopping the hell out of Julia Roberts (I can't really blame them for it). Unfortunately, it was so bad that it considered false advertising, or at least a blatant, unforgivable lie to humanity. CoverGirl now has to pull one of their ads, too. This one features the 22 year old Taylor Swift, who isn't nearly as haggard as Julia Roberts:

Procter & Gamble has agreed to never again run an ad for its CoverGirl mascara because it used "enhanced post-production" and "photoshopping" to make eyelashes look thicker than they were in real life. P&G agreed to the ban even though it disclosed in the ad that the image was enhanced.

The move is the latest in a series of baby steps that U.S. and international advertising regulators have taken to ban the use of Photoshop in advertising when it is misleading to consumers.

I don't personally know what line advertisers can choose to put their toe over, but misrepresenting what their product will do is probably some kind of ethical no-no. Leave the lying to the internet, where simpletons like me can choose to believe we'll see another two inches.

Since the world is now full of unoriginal a**holes and people who watch reality television like it's their legally-retarded job, MTV is bringing back "Punk'd." You know, that show where Ashton Kutcher acts like a total dick and pranks his celebrity friends. ... at least it will be better than any Real Housewives of ______ show. Jason Goldberg and Ashton Kutcher are still going to produce the show, but who is going to host it is a different issue entirely:

MTV plans to announce the show's host/hosts during its New Years Eve party live telecast next week. Access Hollywood reported months ago that a new show was in the works, using different celebrity hosts for each episode - and noting in the premiere that Justin Bieber is the man in the van.

First "Fear Factor," now this. Yet, networks refuse to officially bring back "Arrested Development" and "Community" is getting benched. I loathe all humans.