The extremely pregnant Jessica Simpson has already grossed us out by 1.) having such a large child inside of her and 2.) telling the world just hor horny she is for Eric Johnson, even though she is roughly the size of a black rhino. But does she stop making us nauseous? Oh no, she has even more to say that will make you want to swear off sex forever (it involves fluid). Via Us Weekly:

"I feel like I have a bowling ball sitting on my hoo-ha!" Simpson laughed. "Apparently I have a lot of amniotic fluid, so whenever my water breaks it will be like a fire hydrant!"

Is Snooki pregnant? ... I cannot express just how much I don't care or don't know. The internet seems to think she is, but I'd rather not put Snooki and insemination together.

The two were in Cancun, getting even more sun (they're advocates of skin cancer, apparently) and showing off their fake body parts. I won't complain, because JWoww is like a Frankenstein creature made of Emmanuelle Chriqui and Nina Dobrev's spare body parts.

Just let this sight soak in, people. Let your eyes be temporarily blinded by, and then adjust to, this terrible, terrible image. The people of America have watched television shows dedicated to this beer gut and its owner. Why? I don't know and I refuse to find out, because I have very little hope left for humanity and I don't want that though process to squish the last of it.

The dashing George Clooney, Duke of Handsomeness, was arrested for something recently that had nothing to do with his god-like face or string of model girlfriend (scandalous, isn't it?). According to TMZ (and the statements prepared by this representatives), he was only guilty of being a humanitarian. Yawn:

They were protesting the violence committed by the government of Sudan on its own innocent men, women and children. They were demanding they allow humanitarian aid into the country before it becomes the largest humanitarian crisis in the world.

I'm not going to delve into George's political opinions, because it is my belief that pretty people shouldn't think. All they need to worry their little heads about is wearing nice clothes and smelling like the perfume department of JC Penney.

According to The Internet (Shine via the New York Post), Jennifer Aniston spends a buttload of money on staying as attractive as she does. That's not really a surprise, given she still looks like she is in her twenties and I cry from time to time when I think about never being with her:

Jennifer Aniston was recently dubbed the "Hottest Woman of All Time" by Men's Health magazine but, according to a new report, the "Wanderlust" star spends $141,037 a year maintaining her appearance.

How does one spend over $140k on their appearance? Are we talking make up and clothing, or is surgery and ritualistic animal slaughter included in that as well?

I'm not sure if Nicki Minaj wearing a bright pink bikini while sporting neon green hair is pleasing or horrifying (I think I'm going with the latter). She is female and she is half naked, but when I think of her I only want to berate her and hate her music. Hopefully my loyal readers will respond to this better than I did.

Unfortunately for any of the fans of the original "Dark Shadows" television show, the trailers for the "Dark Shadows" movie has been released and it looks absolutely terrible. If you're a Johnny Depp or Tim Burton fan (or both, since they constantly work together) then you will still be pleased with the result. But I'm not sure if I'm supposed to take this movie seriously or if it's just one big comedy. The score for the trailer really isn't helping me decide.