Once considered borderline retarded, Jessica Simpson is anything but. In addition to her clothing line, music career and Proactiv commercials, she'll now be the face of a beer company according to
OK! Magazine:
it was announced today that she will be the new face of Stampede Light Plus, a beer marketed by Dallas' Stampede Brewing Co. as a beer for active people.
She'll appear in ads for the beverage and is also taking a 15 percent stake in the company. Jessica said in a statement that she's ''always looking for ways to diversify my portfolio with good ideas and good people.''
I wish I owned 15 bottles of Stampede Light, let alone 15% of the company. Jessica has come a long way since the Chicken of the Sea days when, at best, I thought she might appear in an ad for Hungry Hungry Hippos some day. That game sucked ass, by the way. The most hyper kid who didn't take his ritalin always won because there was no real skill involved.
So Jessica Simpson is killing acne, providing beer, selling clothes and trying to sing. Blonde hair and a big set of tits are all I want for Christmas. RELATED STORIES
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Jennifer Garner has confirmed to
US that she has voluntarily agreed to be sick for 9 months and ultimately let 8 pounds of flesh exit her vagina.
At an event celebrating the 10th anniversary of Baby Einstein products in L.A. Wednesday, a USA Today reporter asked the actress, 36, about her upcoming projects.
Garner then pointed to her baby bump and said with a smile, “This.”
"We're so excited, obviously," she told Access Hollywood.
She also joked about her swollen belly. "Oh, I'm not pregnant. I just had a lot of carbs for breakfast. It's just — what do they call it — a breakfast pouch?"
No, that's what Jennifer Love Hewitt calls it.
This is surprising because I thought Ben Affleck was a hermaphrodite at best. Plus Jennifer Garner isn't that young anymore, so I hope the baby isn't retarded.
Just kidding about all that. I love Jennifer Garner but can only pray she cheated on Ben with John Stamos to get pregnant. Here are some images of Jennifer with a baby inside of her...and one of John Stamos just in case he's the father. RELATED STORIES
Since John McCain said Obama is a celebrity, I can post about this. Apparently, Barack's half-brother in Kenya has been tracked down. I don't have a picture of him, but I heard he's black.
US, among every other publication in existence, reports:
Barack Obama's youngest half brother has been living in a shanty town on the outskirts of Nairobi, Kenya, the Italian edition of Vanity Fair reports.
"No-one knows who I am," George Hussein Onyango Obama, 26, told the magazine. "I live here on less than a dollar a month. I live like a recluse, no-one knows I exist. If anyone says something about my surname, I say we are not related."
George's shack – which measures only 6 feet by 10 feet – features football posters and a photograph of the Democratic presidential hopeful from a newspaper.
In his autobiography, Obama described George as a "beautiful boy with a rounded head."
That's the best description of a brother ever. A rounded head. How bizarre. Since, you know, most heads are shaped like the letter K. It's a a little strange that our potential next president has a half-brother in Kenya that lives in a space smaller than my oven. .
We'll see how this whole half-brother thing turns out leading up to the election. I probably won't cover it here unless he has a nipple slip or dates Jennifer Aniston. Sorry.
Oh, and I lied about not having a picture. Here he is, living the dream in Kenya.
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Jennifer Love Hewitt recently told
Health Magazine something mildly disturbing and definitely incriminating:
I wish I had been nude from the time I was 12 until I was 28. I looked great! I want to tell all young girls to walk around in bikinis all summer—and enjoy it. I want to tell them to never, ever feel bad about anything, because there will be that one day in your 20s when you’ll eat a hamburger and actually see the hamburger on the side of your leg. Initially it’s shocking, and you think, Whoa, I have to actually think about what I eat and work out double the amount I did before.
The excitement of pedophiles everywhere aside, it's just not realistic to be naked for 16 years. I have an Uncle who tried it and was arrested after 16 days. Not to mention, if you have an interest in hiking, there's nothing worse than a 12 year old losing her virginity to a thorn bush. And when you go on a date, you round second base just with a hug. It's a sick notion, but Jennifer can say it because she's not fat anymore. And people love people who used to be fat.
Jennifer Love Hewitt with a truck stuffed under her dress...
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She looks a little too happy to have just gotten out of a 4 year relationship. This is OK, but cutting brake lines is just more exciting. Keep it in mind, Kelly.
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In different words, Amanda Beard has said Michael Phelps is the most disgusting, ugliest man on the face of the Earth. From
USMagazine:
"Eww, that's nasty!" she said via telephone from Beijing on 93.7 KRQ Tucson's Johnjay and Rich in the Morning.
"Come on, I have really good taste," she added. "He's not really my type."
Beard — who has a boyfriend (a photographer) — said she has no clue how the rumors started.
Phelps also dismissed the dating rumors.
"I'm not dating Amanda Beard. I'll say that," he told Extra. "I think she has a boyfriend."
As for rumors that Carrie Underwood has a crush on him, he said, "That's the first I've heard of that. That's pretty cool."
Is Amanda Beard 12 or just retarded? Every good feeling Michael Phelps had about winning 8 gold medals, surprassing Mark Spitz, winning one race by one-hundredth of a second, having sex with underage Chinese gymnasts, and being on the brink of millions of dollars in endorsements...is now gone. All thanks to a bitch with the last name Beard.
He's really gonna drown himself when he finds out Carrie Underwood doesn't like him either.
By the way, that was just a joke about the underage Chinese gymnasts. I think they were Japanese. RELATED STORIES
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