Chris Hemsworth is Better Than You

Chris Hemsworth doesn't hate you or anything, but he sure as hell doesn't respect you either. Why? Well, he is gorgeous and enormous and could crush you with his pinky. I mean, that's not a gay thing for me to say. It's just a fact. All hail Hemsworth!

1.21.13 at 10:24 PM   

Jennifer Lawrence is Adorable, Humble and Hilarious

WATCH OUT, KATNISS! I'm about to get all up in your lady business.

Jennifer Lawrence (a.k.a., Katniss) was recently a guest on The Late Show with David Letterman Tuesday. While talking about pictures paparazzi take (and how they can sometime be unflattering), a picture of Jennifer vacationing in Hawaii came up. David showed the audience (many gasped and fainted out of disgust, I assume) Jokingly, Lawrence said:

"It's not my butt and I will not take responsibility for it. It's a 90-year-old butt that's been photoshopped onto my body, and is posing as my butt."

Let me just make this clear, Jennifer. I LOVE YOU. Not only do you have a normal-attractive ass (not everyone is Jessica Alba, don't worry), but she has the kind heart and good humor to joke about it live on television. No, sweet darling, you are not responsible for that ass. But you ARE responsible for making me fall deeply in love with you. Now, to get sloppy drunk and watch your cutie patootie butt on SNL!

1.19.13 at 02:08 PM   

Scarlett Johansson is Performing on Broadway

Sometimes I forget that these hot people I masturbate to are actors, professionals in their field. So it's always surprising to me when I hear of one of them doing something. For example, Scarlett Johansson recently returned to Broadway, starring as Maggie in "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof." The role was original made famous by Elizabeth Taylor, who is being portrayed by Lindsay Lohan in a made-for-tv movie. What is wrong with this world? These two women aren't even in the same universe, so to see them connected like this sickens me. SICKENS ME.

1.19.13 at 02:05 PM   

Lindsay Lohan is a Professional Escort

I always thought that "escort" was a fancy way to say "hooker," so it seems to make sense that Lindsay Lohan is now making money as a "professional escort." So, who didn't expect this?

Desperate for money, troubled actress Lindsay Lohan is still living the high life by working as a professional escort, her father Michael Lohan and other insiders exclusively revealed to Star magazine.

1.16.13 at 10:48 PM   

Jodie Foster Admitted Something The Other Night

So... want to hear something you've already known for a while? Jodie Foster is (probably) gay! While accepting the Cecil B. DeMille lifetime achievement award, she came out and said: "But, um, I'm just gonna put it out there, loud and proud, right? So I'm gonna need your support on this, I am, uh… single."

Oh Jodie... you cray!

1.16.13 at 10:39 PM   

Britney Spears May Give Up... Again

Britney Spears is probably going to take the $15 million she made on X Factor this year and quit. When asked why she planned on walking, she gave the camera a blank stare and then said "Daddy Jason told me to."

1.10.13 at 05:17 PM   

Anne Hathaway is the Lesbian You Want to Sleep With

Why do people hate Anne Hathaway? I've seen The Princess Diaries at LEAST 26 times and I'm pretty sure I would kill someone in order to have one pleasant conversation with Ms. Hathaway... even if she is doing her best butch lesbian impression. (She is failing by the way, since she is still prettier than my cousin Tina.)

1.10.13 at 05:10 PM