It has been confirmed that Jessica Alba is officially pregnant! Her rep has confirmed that she and Cash Warren (shown above, next to Jessica) are having a baby. People magazine reports:
Nooooooooo! Nooooooo! Noooooo! I think I speak for all men in the world when I say that today is a sad day. Jessica has succombed to basically a no-name idiot named Cash Warren and he has finally put the final nail in the coffin: he impregnated Jessica. I mean, who is this guy, honestly? He's known for being some director's assistant on the set of a sub-par superhero movie. Plus, this has to be pre-meditated. How can a loser like that score one of the hottest chicks in the world. He must have cast some sort of ancient evil spell over her and she's not aware of what she's really doing. Yes, that must be it, he's a man-witch. He probably never even naturally impregnated her. He probably just convinced her to eat some sort of rotten apple, and then BOOM! Lucky you Jess, you're having my kid. Okay, maybe he's not a man-witch. Plus, that sounds too much like "Manwich" and suddenly I have an intolerable craving for a Sloppy Joe. Now, if only I could find that crazy lady from my old high school... she made the best sloppy joes.
Before you go, please, join me and take a moment of silence for the tragedy of Jessica being forever tainted by some loser named "Cash."
Jessica and her future baby's dady at the Lakers vs. Warriors game this past Sunday:
