You know, for a while I thought Britney was looking healthier and healthier. She was always being photographed going in and out of gyms and some magazines were talking about how she was turning everything around! Turns out, it looks like that was the calm before the storm! Because, clearly, whether or not Britney is actually pregnant or if she's just getting fat again, neither one of those things sounds like it's a result of her making any "progress"!

If she's getting fat again, well, damn, she's off the Adderol and back on the chalupas... that's one of the worst combos possible! Seriously, I've seen it happen with skinny, drugged-out college chicks trying to "put their lives back together"... they blow up like balloons! And, if Britney's pregnant, who's the daddy? Looks like illegitimate child #1 may be on its way to joining her already dysfunctional brood of children! Who knows what it could be... but things don't look good for Britney! In the meantime, we'll be sure to let you know what is actually going on with the unstable pop star as more information becomes available!

Britney out looking very round and leggy while arriving at a recording studio earlier this week:

See, I don't see what the big deal is here... being 7 months pregnant and riding around on ATV with no helmet or seatbelt... that's nothing to point your finger at. In fact, you have to remember that Jamie Lynn, despite having a famous sister, was born into a family of white trash in Hicksville, USA. So, once that it considered, you will soon realize that such stupidity and dangerousness isn't a bad thing... in fact, you'll come to find out that "pregnant ATV riding" is one of the most highly anticipated events in the "redneck olympics"! Baabbbyy!!!

Jamie Lynn looking very pregnant out and about earlier this week:

Wow, first Miley is doing risqué photoshoots posing topless and whatnot... now she's stealing other people's songs! I think she might be headed down a slippery slope here. I mean, pretty soon she's going to be walking around wearing leather pants and a matching leather vest riding around on a big Harley Davidson motorcycle, covered in tats and boosting cars!

Honestly, if she keeps this up, she's going to be getting influenced negatively by "the wrong crowd" and I wouldn't be surprised if we see her in the news for starting a few bar fights! Sure, it would be pretty damn funny to see Hannah Montana smashing a beer bottle over some big, mean biker guy's head... but it definitely can't be good for the career!

Miley rocking out while performing at the KIIS-FM's Wango Tango concert this past weekend:

Ahh, well that's good. Two people who love one another are getting married. I'm down with that. I can picture it now, Portia's going to be all dressed up in a white gown looking gorgeous and Ellen's going to be standing there in a grey cardigan sweater, straight black slacks, and a pair of Chuck Taylor converse sneakers! Unconventional? Maybe. But whoever said love was predictable and definable was completely wrong.

Not to mention, there's a bit of an age difference between Ellen and Portia... 15 whole years... with Ellen being 50-years-old and Portia being 35. Wow, umm, technically I think that makes Ellen a cougar... in a certain way. Well, you know there's only one thing I can say about that... Ellen, congratulations! You've made an example for all cougars out there! You've scored one hot, younger celebrity partner and I say you hold on to her as long as you can! Good for you, you've made me proud!

Ellen and Portia out together at an Academy Awards party in February:

Wow, this Romo guy... one minute he's into Jessica and everything's going well, then the next minute they're broken up. Where's the consistency Romo? With all this inconsistency, your relationship with Jessica is almost like your football career! One minute, everything's going well... that's like your performance during the regular season. Then, after a while, it's like the playoffs... when things start getting serious you choke and look for an out! ZING! Who knows where this will go though... we'll keep you posted on any further developments between Tony and Jessica in this love saga!

Wow, how pathetic is the world that thousands of people have to sit around and think up catchy little conjoined names for famous couples!? Do we really have nothing better to do with our time? Well, that's probably what all of those hippie intellectual types think... but hey, this kind of thing is damn fun! Not to mention, it gives me an excuse to not only stare at Jennifer's beautiful little booty in a pool, but talking about "Johnifer" gives me a relevant reason to share Jennifer's beautiful bikini-clad body with you too! So, go ahead, take a moment and enjoy a nice bird's eye view of Jennifer's beauty while she was wading in a hotel pool with John Mayer in Miami earlier last week! Wow, Ace, good use of the word "wading" right there! Now that's a word that is seriously underused in everyday conversations!

Other than the fact that they're so veinous that they look like there's a map of some terrain with many rivers and estuaries, those things are amazing and I commend her for them. Yea, so I just wanted to take a moment and congratulate Christina on the work she's done here... and I feel that it's best that you take some time and enjoy what she's done for you here as well. So, go ahead, enjoy Christina and her "new mommy" cleavage. Ahh, it's a beautiful thing... scratch that... those are beautiful things! Ahh, that's better. Okay, thanks. Bye.

Britney Spears and Mel Gibson going away to Costa Rica together? How weird is that!? Is this some sort of strange swingers getaway with Britney, Mel and his wife, and Britney's father!? I don't understand that. But hey, maybe Britney and Mel have some sort of troubled celebrity rehab connection and they're just looking to bond a little bit. Hell, they might even fix up a few vodka-percocet cocktails in a nice consequence-free environment and catch up! Every once in a while these celebrities just have to let go and enjoy themselves... I mean, you know what I always say, when things get tough... just go to Costa Rica with Mel Gibson! That always makes me feel better!

Britney out and about just a couple of days ago:

What this Dallas newspaper doesn't tell you is that the source "close to Tony and Jess" is an old, nosey woman who walks around in bright red jumpsuits and huge yellow-tinted sunglasses for her morning walk because that's the only person these days who would ever use the words "splitsville, kaput, over, put a fork in it" successively to describe a break-up! So, I don't know, I think we're going to have to look into the legitimacy of the source here!

Here are some classic Jessica Simpson cleavage pictures from a few years back just to help you get through your day... enjoy!

Okay, what is the deal with these random Hollywood guys revealing information about Angelina's children? Can't Angelina speak for herself? I mean, what do Jack Black and Dustin Hoffman really know about Angelina's children? Do these guys check in with Angelina with stethoscopes periodically just to see what her progress is? Or do they have some sort of privileged access to her uterus? Maybe that's it. Maybe Angelina set up a deal with Jack and Dustin to act as "field reporters" who get right in there and examine her and then report to the world. Of course, Angelina would want Brad to do that for her, but she knew not even to ask him... he's far to pretty for something that messy!

Angelina and Jack Black showing off their pregnant tummies together alongside Dustin Hoffman at a photocall for the new movie "Kung Fu Panda" today:

I would probably let the devil eat my soul if he promised me that I could get it on with Jessica Simpson for the rest of my life... and here's this Romo guy throwing it all away for some random Hooters chick in Chicago. Then again, I have to admit, those Hooters chicks are classy. I once dated a Hooters chick and I was planning on taking her to a ballgame and a bar hoping that we could head back to my place and do the nasty. Turns out, she just worked there for some easy cash and she showed up at my place one night with a black evening gown, caviar, a Chopin CD, and a bottle of Pinot Noir.

So yea, watch out Jessica! You could be facing some stiff competition here! Not to mention, that's when you know you're rich... when you're facing the possibility of marrying Jessica Simpson and you turn her down for a Hooters girl! Damn, that Romo jerk's got the life!

Jessica looking very hot in a white dress last week:

Wow, so add two more Americans to her brood of multinational children! These two kids have one bad ass life in store for them! When you think about it, both Brad and Angelina are the quintessential examples of what everyone desires to become in America. They're living the American dream. They're both filthy rich, famous, and beautiful... I mean, these kids got some high-quality genes!

Based on the genetic power of their parents, I just picture the two little kids coming out of Angelina's womb fully dressed in Ancient Spartan war gear with chiseled jaw-lines and washboard abs... wearing red capes and wielding little mini Spartan swords and shields just waiting to take on the world. Sure, that would be rare, but if any two parents could make it happen, I'm willing to bet it's Brad and Angelina!!!

Angelina looking smokin' hot in a photoshoot from a while back just so you have something pleasant to look at during your day:

Jennifer Aniston is John's summer fling!? What a life that guy has... I spent the better part of my post-pubescent life dreaming about getting it on with Jennifer Aniston and this guy simply looks at her as nothing more than a "summer fling"!? That's when you know you've got it good with the ladies! The closest thing to a "summer fling" that I've ever had was back last year when every couple lonely weekend night or so I'd call up that chain-smoking toothless cougar I met at a local bar and sneak over to her house after a night of heavy drinking and then walk home from her house the moment she passed out! Damn you, John Mayer! You lucky jerk!

Aww, that's cute, Britney's finally creating some nice memories with her boys, and what better way to do it than by cherishing this past Mother's Day! The only thing that concerns me here is this creepy neighbor that told the tabloids he hasn't seen Britney smiling like that in ages. How creepy is that!?

I just picture this dirty, ratty-looking old man peering out of his windows staring at Britney every day as she goes out there with her big belly hanging out over her bikini and smoking cigs. Then, one day, this old man looks out and see's Britney smiling and playing with her kids... then all of a sudden he gets this sudden feeling of warmth over his body, smiles, and calmly retreats to his bedroom to put on his wife's underwear and dance in front of the mirror. What a weirdo! Britney really should be more careful about who here neighbors are! This guy sounds like a lunatic!

Britney actually looking pretty good while she was out last week:

So, that's it, case closed, Amy's not being charged for being caught on film smoking crack. Wow, that's a great message to the kids... I think it says something like... hey kids, if you grow up to be a crack addict, why don't you film it and show it to the world so everyone knows how cool you are. Then, when you beat the legal charges and walk off free, then you can boast about how you're even cooler because you showed those cops who's boss. Ahh, that's being a role model at it's finest. Oh, and one more thing, kids... "F--- the PO-LICE!!! Love, Amy."

Here's Heidi and Spencer out posing for some staged photos on Mother's Day with Heidi's mother to apparently make it look like they're decent human beings with real souls and hearts. However, I think they've proven many a time at this point that they're nothing more than no-talent attention-whores with just enough money to get just enough nose jobs and breast augmentation surgeries to keep themselves at least somewhat noticeable in the world of worthless celebrities! So, take a moment and take in all of their unbridled ridiculousness. Honestly, few people would get so cheesy just for a little recognition!

So, without further adieu, I present Kelly Preston with the prestigious CelebParasite.com Cougar of the Day Award! So, congratulations, Kelly! You're pretty damn cute for a 45-year-old... but, now that you've gotten such a huge award... don't go lazy on me! I want to keep seeing your hard, cougarific work day in and day out, you hear me!? Okay, thanks. Bye.

Kelly at the Step Up Women's Network Inspiration Awards this past weekend:

That's when you know you're a drug addict... when other drug addicts stumble into your home at 2 a.m. and break in so they can have a place to sleep and assume that you'll be okay with it. It's kind of like back in the 70s when they had those "squatter" type houses all over Europe where random hippies would meet up in condemned buildings, get high, and have sex with each other on the exposed ceiling beams in the house.

That's how I kind of picture Amy's house. Just one big lump of drug-enhanced chaos with tie-died curtains, lava lamps, and anorexic hippies having epileptic fits on the bare floors. Yep, that's how I see it, and I honestly don't think that's too far from the truth!

Amy in nothing but a bra and denim cut-offs hanging out with her guitarist outside of her recording studio this past weekend:

See, I don't know how this could be possible. All those times when Britney was running around with random men, she never got pregnant. Now, when there has been pretty much no mention of any love interest in her life at all, she's pregnant. You know, I'm seriously considering the possibility that she just ate a bad chalupa. Honestly, Britney, how many times do I have to tell you, never order the steak at Taco Bell... always go with the ground beef. It's their specialty. Steak is about an extra 80 cents and the poor people who go there all the time can't afford that, so you know the steak is just sitting there all day, it never moves so it goes bad! Now look at how bloated your stomach is, Brit! Dammit! This is for your own good! Why don't you ever listen to me!?

Then again, maybe I'm wrong, Britney. I know you and K-Fed have been getting along better lately and you two old flames have been having some serious phone sex these days... so who knows... maybe you two kids went in for the real thing and the 'ole Federline took it as a good opportunity to make another baby and take you for even more child support cash! Oh, that K-Fed, he's a crafty little wannabe gangster rapper, isn't he?

Britney out smoking cigs in Beverly Hills this past sunday looking pregnant with a big round belly:

Seriously, Sarah, I bet you paid hundreds of dollars for that hideous thing on your head... so, I have a proposition for you. You return it, keep the money, and I'll pick you up that lawn ornament I was talking about. Hell, I'll even give it to you for free if you promise to do us all a favor and stick the stake right into your head! What? Too harsh!? Oh, stop that! She's a rich celebrity who could wear anything in the world and she chooses that thing!? Seriously, look me in the face and tell me she doesn't deserve to be insulted! HA! I knew it! It can't be done!

SJP looking ridiculous in London for the world premiere of "Sex and the City: The Movie":