I always knew Jude was kind of a pansy. Real men throw apples or shoot guns. But regardless, that\'s pretty awesome how he apparently has a tub of oranges sitting by at all times. Kinda like my room except instead of oranges, it\'s a pile of skid marked underwear.

While this would normally make me happy because I\'m not a fan of Oprah at all (please don\'t sending lightning after me), it makes me wonder what crap the network will shove down the throats of women now. Okay, now I\'m just thinking sexually so I better move on.

I suppose the whole girls taking off their tops thing has very little to do with it and it\'s mostly the whole not paying taxes thing, but I wanted to say it anyway. I don\'t know what will come of this but I\'m guessing he\'ll be eating a lot of Ramon noodles like me for the next couple of weeks.

I heard from my cousin who is a veterinarian (okay, he just really likes dogs) that when your diet is an apple and a froot loop every day, it makes your immune system work about as much as Kristin Cavallari. So that\'s probably why she has pneumonia, but who knows?

Yes, life is short and precious and we should all be who we are. That\'s why I\'m a celebrity blogger living with my parents, not changing into a woman. Even though that\'s the only way I\'d ever touch a female, I\'m still not about to go through that process. They make you sign legal papers and everything.

Let\'s do a little recap: Will starts out with Old School, Anchorman and Talladega Nights with a bunch of guest appearances in other awesome movies like Wedding Crashers and Zoolander. After that, he added Blades of Glory, Semi Pro, and Land of the Lost to his resume...all absolutely horrific movies. He needs to stick to playing a fat loser who drinks a lot and excels at some kind of stupid job. I think I\'ll write a script about a Staples employee who sells more paper than anyone else and pitch it to him. I\'ll let you know how that goes.

It\'s a good thing she\'s on board with this because making millions of dollars per year and winning every country music award ever just doesn\'t pay the bills. That sports bar should be shut down, effective immediately, and turned into a store for dog hats.

So to recap...if it has to do with Edward, Jacob, vampires, wolves, screens, TV at night, shirts, or anything else, Miley Cyrus doesn\'t like it. No word on what she does like, but I\'m on the edge of my seat waiting to find out. Wow, today sucks for celebrity news.

It must be rough being eternally sexy. I\'m not sure what I\'d do if everywhere I went, females wanted to sleep with me. That would be horrible. Just the thought of it makes me a little nauseous, where\'s my tums?

To put over $1 million into perspective, that\'s something like 49,000 pennies and 800 nickels. Yeah, hard to wrap your head around something like that, I know. Well, I gotta go teach math to under privileged kids now, be back later.

If you\'ve ever seen Taken or any other movie where a man\'s daughter is threatened, you should know it\'s not going to end well. Messing with someone\'s daughter in any way typically results in a long line of dead bodies and a great climactic ending involving Liam Neeson putting a bullet in your head. Or 2 years in jail, whatever.

Translation: Tila Tequila\'s fame is dwindling and she\'s running out of money to lead her lavish lifestyle, so she figures she\'ll sue her ex-boyfriend 2-3 months after the beating she took because he won\'t take her back despite her desperate begging. I should probably note I completely made up that translation based on the mentality that women love abusive boyfriends. Maybe I\'m wrong, but probably not.