Celeb Parasite

Whitney Houston was Found Dead on Saturday.

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 16:12:35 +0000

Contrary to what most people would believed, Whitney Houston was not a 60 year old heroin addict. No, she was only 48 when she was found dead on Saturday at the Beverly Hilton. Everyone (even Celion Dion and very important celebrity blogs, such as the one you are reading) believes that drugs are what killed Whitney. She was known for snorting cocaine off a dead hooker\'s body [citation needed], so it\'s no surprise it was drugs that did her in for good.

Whitney Houston\'s family was told by L.A. County Coroner officials she did not die from drowning, but rather from what appears to be a combination of Xanax and other prescription drugs mixed with alcohol ... this according to family sources (and TMZ).

According to Radar:

Houston had \"a plethora of sedatives including Lorazepam, Valium, Xanax, and a sleeping medication that was found in her hotel room,\" a law enforcement source tells us.

Don\'t feel too badly about Whitney\'s drug fueled, bathtub death, my friends. She has gone on to a better place now (one without Bobby Brown). So remember her as the talented artist as she was. Or like how Maya Rudolph loved to portray her on SNL, because that sh*t is hilarious.

Katy Perry is On the Prowl. Rihanna Doesn\'t Mind.

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 15:58:26 +0000

Sometimes, after a bad breakup, you just need to connect with someone new. Usually a rebound is fleeting (but good for the soul, like chicken soup). ... And it looks like Rihanna is in Katy Perry\'s sights. Sure, the 2012 Grammys probably made Rihanna seem sexier and Katy\'s hair bluer... but love was in the air my friends. Love and Hepatitis C.

P Diddy Was Hospitalized for a Headache.

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 15:48:18 +0000

P Diddy/Puff Daddy/Sean Combs (my God, does that man need to decide on a name) was taken to the hospital this morning for an extreme migraine. His wittle head hurt so bad that his entourage became concerned enough to drive him to the UCLA emergency room.

He was hosting a post-Grammy party at the Playboy Mansion Sunday night; after the party was when he complained of a severe migraine. He was treated at home after being in the ER and he is currently claiming that the migraine was not related to all of the booze, sluts and club drugs he had that night. WHEW. Thank goodness!

Orlando Bloom Lion Kinged a Baby

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 16:21:35 +0000

Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr have been hanging out in Australia, enjoying the summer in the southern hemisphere. While hanging out down under, Orlando decided to lift bare baby butt up for all to see. I\'m not sure the point of all this... but it was a pretty good Rafiki impression. Those actors are talented, man.

Marry Me, Reese Witherspoon.

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 16:09:26 +0000

Reese Witherspoon is one of those celebrities that I couldn\'t hate, even if I tried really, really hard. She is just so cute, like a puppy wrapped in a blanket of live kittens. She was recently at the premiere for \"This Means War\" in Hollywood. She smiled, signed autographs and generally was an awesome person. Now, onto getting drunk and watching \"Sweet Home Alabama!\"

Madonna is Disappointed in M.I.A.

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 15:41:57 +0000

Madonna, the star of the above-and-beyond Super Bowl half time show this year, is now very angry at M.I.A. for ruining a segment of the performance by flipping off the cameras. Madonna claims it was an \"irrelevant thing to do.\"

When Madonna called in to \"On Air with Ryan Seacrest\" she said, \"I was really surprised. I didnt know anything about it. I wasnt happy about it.\"

Madonna told Ryan, \"I understand its punk rock and everything, but to me there was such a feeling of love and good energy, and positivity, it seemed negative. Its such a teenager ... irrelevant thing to do ... there was such a feeling of love and unity there. What was the point?\"

I\'ve only listened to one M.I.A. song (\"Paper Planes\") because it was in the trailer for \"Pineapple Express,\" but I\'m fairly certain that M.I.A. isn\'t a punk rocker. Just so you know, Madonna. I know you really want to be hip and with it.

And hey, I\'d rather have M.I.A. flip me the bird than have Janet Jackson show me her ta-tas.

Selena Gomez is Much Nicer Than You Will Ever Be.

Thu, 9 Feb 2012 12:24:48 +0000

Lately, I have been feeling down about the human race. Most of us are nothing but hormone-fueled maniacs that would sell their soul for 15 minutes of fame, sex or happiness. But then people like Selena Gomez do something nice and then I get all teary eyed and feel like hyperventilating over my world view being destroyed. Just recently, she visited Hana Hwang, a 13-year-old fan has progeria, a fatal condition that causes children to age much too quickly. Selena didn\'t alert the media and the only reason this came out is because Hana posted a thank you video for Selena on YouTube.

Why can\'t everyone learn to be cool like Selena Gomez?

Katy Perry is Single. And Has a New Name.

Thu, 9 Feb 2012 12:19:01 +0000

Not only is Katy Perry keeping all of the money she made while she was married to Russell Brand (once again, thank you Russell for being a decent person), but she is also changing her name back to what it was originally.

Katy Perry\'s response to Russell Brand\'s divorce filing states that the ex-couple reached a \"comprehensive written settlement.\" This response also includes a line indicating, \"Respondent\'s [Katy\'s] former name be restored to\" Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson. Which is cute.

If only all relationships and marriages could end with this little bloodshed.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are Surgery Buddies.

Thu, 9 Feb 2012 12:01:11 +0000

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone still partake in getting bloodied and experiencing pain, believe it or not. Only since they are both in their mid-sixties, the reason they are getting bloodied is a lot less exciting: they got shoulder surgeries together. Next, they\'ll be filming \"Grumpy Old Men: Korean War.\"

Arnold posted the picture yesterday, saying, \"After all the action, stunts & physical abuse shooting \'The Expendables 2\' and \'The Last Stand,\' it was time for a little tune up on my shoulder. Look who was coincidentally waiting in line behind me for his shoulder surgery.\"

Sigh, seeing celebrities getting old is much, much worse than watching puppies die.

Justin Bieber is Hardcore. Man.

Wed, 8 Feb 2012 13:05:04 +0000

Justin Bieber is the epitome of cool. And hardcore. And \"being a man.\" Duh doy. Which is why I\'m so thrilled he is recording his new album, \"Believe.\" I am going to get laid SO many times while listening to that. And hey! Justin Bieber is an athlete, you guys!!! Word UP.

Lindsay Lohan is Dirty. Still.

Wed, 8 Feb 2012 12:47:19 +0000

Recently, Lindsay Lohan and photographer Terry Richardson got together to complete some kind of \"look at how dirty Lindsay Lohan is now\" photo shoot. I hope to God he was doing this in a clever way to make fun of LIndsay, because no one actually cares what the street walker is doing nowadays. Except me. But I have an excuse, I needed to use some pictures of a girl with deep cleavage.

Russell Brand is a Good Man.

Wed, 8 Feb 2012 12:32:34 +0000

Even though Russell Brand did not sign a pre-nup when he married Katy Perry (and he is now entitled to approximately $20 million of Katy Perry\'s money) he is not going to be taking any of her money. Why? Because he is a good man and when people rob each other after getting a divorce it makes me want to hurt small, fluffy things.

According to someone close to the ex-couple, \"This divorce is as amicable as it gets, and Russell was a mensch (Yiddish for a good person).\" People who steal other people\'s money after they realize that a relationship didn\'t work deserve to be in some lesser circle of Hell. Luckily, Russell Brand made the right choice here.

Christina Aguilera - The Queen of Camera Tricks.

Tue, 7 Feb 2012 13:27:20 +0000

If you have been watching \"The Voice,\" you have been thinking the very same things I have been thinking:
1.) I\'m unnaturally attracted to Adam Levine.
2.) Why does Cee Lo Green rape all of the contestants?
3.) God, my life has come to this?
4.) Oh hey, Christina doesn\'t look that fat. Also, boobs.

But don\'t let Xtina fool you! Apparently, she is as ... voluptuous ... as ever. (I.e, she is fat.) Not only is she still packing away the pounds, but she is also demanding that the camera crew of \"The Voice\" should make her look skinny. I\'m not sure if she knows that they aren\'t magicians.

\"Christina holds up production with her constant demands, saying, \'Don\'t make me look fat\' or \'Don\'t show my butt,\' \" a source tells the Enquirer.

\"She\'s insisted the cameramen only shoot her at flattering angles, forcing a few segments to be reshot. She also demands that the stylists bring her the latest slimming fashions, and she\'s always ordering the makeup artists to make her face look thinner.\"

You know what, I\'m not sure I can blame her. I wear triple Spanx underneath a layer of Under armor when I go speed walking at the track. You have to fool someone into thinking you\'re good looking, right?

Paz de la Huerta Was Booted from Boardwalk Empire!

Tue, 7 Feb 2012 13:20:26 +0000

... and there was much rejoicing!

It\'s not that Paz de la Huerta was an awful actress. In fact, she showed her naked body so much on \"Boardwalk Empire,\" I\'m willing to say that she was quite the amazing performer. However, her character made us almost see Steve Buscemi naked and that would have just been unforgivable. It\'s good they got her out of the way now, I would hate to see her come back in Season 3 for a naked Nucky booty call. We literally might not survive that.

TVLine has learned exclusively that the HBO mob hit has opted not to pick up the actress\' Season 3 contract option, which means viewers have likely seen the last of her character, Lucy Danziger.

Introduced in Season 1 as Nucky\'s (Steve Buscemi) unhinged mistress, Lucy spent much of Season 2 pregnant and shacked up with Michael Shannon\'s Van Alden (the baby daddy). Shortly after giving birth, she went on a formula run and never returned, leaving the baby in Van Aldens care.

An HBO rep declined to comment for this story.

We haven\'t seen the last of Paz, though! Don\'t forget that she has a penchant for drunkenly fighting innocent passers by in Hollywood. Let\'s hope she doesn\'t take this news very well.

For When You Hate Life: Minka Kelly

Fri, 3 Feb 2012 23:05:21 +0000

Most days, life feels like a chore. Jobs suck, relationships are a joke and getting out of bed just seems like a generally bad idea. That\'s why, on those types of hard days, you just need to take a deep breath and look at pretty people. Minka Kelly, sure she lives in Beverly Hills and wants nothing to do with you... but that doesn\'t make her any less angelic. So relax and just stare. It\'s what I\'m going to do for the next 10-15 minutes.

SHOOT IT IN THE HEAD.

Fri, 3 Feb 2012 22:54:33 +0000

Oh. My honest mistake. It\'s just Madonna. Not the undead.

Oh God is this Superbowl going to be gnarly (if gnarly means that we are just going to stare at Madonna\'s, gnarled, tree-like arms during half time while doing our best not to puke in our mouths). Not only do I hate both the Patriots and the Giants, but the half time show is going to be horrible. Like always.

She recently talked to the media about the show:
She told reporters at a press conference in Indianapolis, \"This is a Midwesterner girl\'s dream.\"

One minor setback? A strained hamstring. But the 53-year-old insists she\'s as battle-ready as any player on the Patriots or the Giants thanks to \"lots of warm-ups and taping and ultrasound.\"

\"I feel like one of the football players now,\" she said. \"Mind over matter.\"

I agree. She IS just like a football player, considering she could suffocate a grown man just by flexing her biceps.

Adam Lambert to Tour with Queen. Surprise?

Fri, 3 Feb 2012 22:44:38 +0000

I\'m not sure if this is much of a surprise, but Adam Lambert is going to spend some time with Queen soon. Queen is going to be going on tour and it\'s rumored that Adam Lambert is going to be the fill in for the legendary Freddie Mercury. He sang with the band when they performed \"We Are The Champions\" with him at the American Idol finale in 2009. It was a great performance, but hardscore queen fans have to be pretty disappointed in Freddie Mercury 2.0, even if he is flaming.

Elisabetta Canalis is Dating Steve O Now

Thu, 2 Feb 2012 15:37:51 +0000

After dating the famous and rich George Clooney, the Italian supermodel Elisabetta Canalis decided that her next boyfriend should be less fancy. And when I say less fancy, I mean \"starred in Jackass movies and is kind of dirty.\" At least her and Steve O look happy.

Bar Refaeli Was on Italian Television.

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 12:16:53 +0000

Oh Bar, I like you so much better when you\'re not on foreign television shows and you\'re wearing less clothes. I\'ll take it, though, because you\'re looking a little frantic and over-zealous (I guess that\'s what Europeans like). So I\'ll just hope you were on something deliciously illegal and made poor choices about which men you slept with for the rest of the day. Xoxo

Arrested Development is Why the World Will End in 2012.

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 12:11:18 +0000

The new short season of Arrested Development (and then the movie that will follow) is scheduled to be released on Netflix in 2013:
To all the skeptics out there, (writer Dean) Lorey confirmed that production is underway, even though the schedule is under wraps. \"There are offices and parking spaces,\" he wrote. The new season is slated to debut on Netflix in 2013, with a film to follow.

This is a very, very good thing and caused me to make a high pitched squealing noise when I first read it, but then I realized something: the world is going to end at the end of 2012. Not because of the Mayan calendar or alignment of planets, but because of THIS. Something SO GOOD can\'t possibly come to fruition. So there you have it. The world is going to explode.