Celeb Parasite

Kristin Cavallari at the Breeder\'s Cup Winner\'s Circle

Fri, 6 Nov 2009 13:33:59 +0000

I have no idea what the Breeder\'s Cup Winner\'s Circle is, but I\'m going to guess it has to do with horses and not breeding with Kristin Cavallari. At least I hope not or else I\'m really sorry I decided to stay here in my underwear all day long instead of attending. Speaking of that, it\'s exactly what I\'m going to do for the next 3 days, so have a good weekend.

Rihanna Says Chris Brown had No Soul in his Eyes - Huh?

Fri, 6 Nov 2009 13:20:36 +0000

Rihanna\'s interview with ABC\'s Good Morning America about the beating she took from ex-boyfriend Chris Brown sure is revealing some interesting stuff:

Rihanna on Friday described the horror she felt as her ex-boyfriend Chris Brown was biting and punching her during a violent argument in February, saying she saw \"no soul in his eyes.\"

\"There was no person when I looked at him,\" the 21-year-old singer recalled during the second installment of an interview airing on ABC\'s \"Good Morning America.\" \"He had no soul in his eyes. Just blank.\"

In fairness to Chris, I don\'t think I\'ve ever seen a soul in anyone\'s eyes. Can you even see a soul? I always thought it was like an invisible spirit that followed you around, not like a kidney or a lung. Rihanna and I just disagree on everything. It\'s so frustrating.

Elton John is Gonna Live

Fri, 6 Nov 2009 13:13:48 +0000

If you\'re a big fan of Elton John, and we all are, you\'ll be happy to know he didn\'t die. He seems to have recovered from his infections and other things that try to kill people according to Reuters:

British singer Elton John left hospital on Thursday after being treated for a serious case of e-coli bacterial infection and influenza that forced him to cancel a string of concerts, his representative said on Thursday.

Spokesman Gary Farrow said the pop star known for hits including \"Goodbye Yellow Brick Road\" and \"Rocket Man\" was \"fine\", and he planned to join singer/songwriter Billy Joel on stage on November 14.

Let this be a stark reminder that Elton John will die. So will Bruce Springstein and Richard Simmons and Peyton Manning. The only person who has an outside shot of living forever is John Madden, but that isn\'t looking too good either. We\'ll see.

Mini Me Has Some Not So Mini Debt

Fri, 6 Nov 2009 13:07:54 +0000

Mostly because it makes me feel better to find celebrities in more debt than me, I thought I\'d share this story about everyone\'s second favorite midget right behind Hayden Panettiere, Verne Troyer. TMZ reports:

The Accused: Verne Troyer

The Debt: $10,869.36

The Story: According to the State of California, Mini-Me fell behind on his taxes both in 2005 and 2008 ... putting him a total of $10,869.36 in the hole.

I know some very well respected science labs that would love to do research on Verne\'s little body, so he might want to consider that. Although like a bunny going in for open heart surgery, the survival rate is pretty low. But don\'t midgets all die by the age of 30 anyway? Something for him to consider anyway.

Conan\'s Response to Levi\'s Threat to Sue

Fri, 6 Nov 2009 13:03:30 +0000

After Conan O\'Brien made fun of Levi Johnston by quoting a fake Twitter account, Levi went off the deep-end and his lawyer threatened to sue. Because people who pose naked in Playgirl are always taken seriously. Here\'s what Conan did last night for an apology:

Audrina Patridge at Work

Fri, 6 Nov 2009 12:53:28 +0000

It\'s been a while since I\'ve posted pictures of Audrina Patridge because she\'s always doing the same thing - standing there with her cell phone. But since that happens to be her job, I guess I can\'t hold that against her. So here\'s Audrina hard at work. She made $453 during that call...keep up the good work!

Lindsay Lohan Parties

Fri, 6 Nov 2009 12:48:48 +0000

Here\'s Lindsay Lohan on her way to a party the other night with some loser in a suit jacket. There\'s a general rule of thumb, and that rule is that if you wear a suit jacket to a party, you\'re a loser. Or maybe I\'m just jealous since I still wear Rangler Jeans and one of those shirts with all the muscles imprinted on the front. Kinda sad, but it does make me look pretty tough.

Kate Beckinsale at a Screening of Everybody\'s Fine

Thu, 5 Nov 2009 14:38:17 +0000

Kate Beckinsale is in a new movie with Robert Dinero appropriately titled \"Everybody\'s Fine\" because Kate is really fine. And Dinero isn\'t so bad either for being like 78 and a guy. I would consider spending a weekend in Vermont with him. But anyway, check out these pictures of Kate and pretend she doesn\'t smell like cigarettes because she probably does.

Yay, Another Lawsuit!

Thu, 5 Nov 2009 14:32:09 +0000

Celebrity lawsuits are about as common as me waking up at 2pm and doing nothing for the rest of the day, so it should come as no surprise that the band No Doubt is suing Activision. Here\'s why according to AP:

The lawsuit claims a feature allows players to have lead singer Gwen Stefani perform suggestive lyrics from the Rolling Stones\' hit \"Honky Tonk Women.\" The suit also notes a virtual version of bassist Tony Kanal can be made to sing his band\'s hit \"Just a Girl,\" but with Stefani\'s voice.

The company, which is based in Santa Monica, Calif., said in a statement that it engaged in extensive negotiations with No Doubt\'s management and have a valid written agreement for their participation in \"Band Hero.\"

Well, this did accomplish one thing. Now I have to go buy the game and see Gwen performing suggestive lyrics. That sounds awesome. Off to the store with mom\'s credit card I go. Yeah, I\'m 27. Don\'t be jealous.

Islamic Conservatives Don\'t Really Like Beyonce

Thu, 5 Nov 2009 14:19:30 +0000

Someone pull Kanye West out of whichever crackhouse he fell asleep in last night and let him know Beyonce is getting dissed again. She\'s set to perform in Egypt, but certain groups aren\'t too happy about that according to AP:

As Egypt gears for pop diva Beyonce Knowles\' first performance in North Africa, Islamic conservatives are branding her show an \"insolent sex party\" that threatens the Muslim nation\'s \"social peace and stability.\"

On giant posters plastered across the Egyptian capital advertising the Friday evening concert, Beyonce sports a revealing, flame-covered outfit and grips a set of motorcycle handlebars extending from her hips a sharp contrast to Cairo streets, where most women wear the traditional Muslim headscarves.

As much as I think Egypt needs to get with the times where women are objects of sex, not slavery, I do think it\'d be weird if one of their pop stars was going to perform here and we had to look at huge posters of her dressed like a ninja. I kinda like the Muslim women who cover everything because, let\'s face it, most people are ugly. If they\'re covered, it leaves it all to the imagination.

Rihanna is Typical

Thu, 5 Nov 2009 14:14:40 +0000

Rihanna has revealed to Good Morning America that getting beat up by Chris Brown just wasn\'t enough and that she initially went back to him afterward.

This morning on \"Good Morning America\" an emotional Rihanna told Diane Sawyer she didn\'t want to be responsible for \"some young girl getting killed\" for following in her footsteps.

Rihanna added \"Don\'t react off of love. Eff love.\"

Just because Rihanna is rich and can sing doesn\'t make her any less white trash than the next girl. Well, her being black might make her a little less, but not much. Girls will always go back to the abusive guys because as long as they\'re abusive, there\'s something to work with. That\'s why I like my Dad so much. He kicks me in the face and I just love it!

This Is Getting Old

Thu, 5 Nov 2009 14:10:35 +0000

Okay look, I don\'t care if you\'re gay and I kinda like lesbians, but they need to stop being so sensitive. If I hear about one more celebrity getting attacked over \"anti-gay\" remarks, I\'m going to go to San Francisco dressed as a hot dog and run through the city. Anyway, TMZ has the latest one:

GLAAD isn\'t buyin\' Chris Jericho\'s apology for using anti-gay and racist slurs at a recent event -- in fact, the gay rights group is going after the wrestler for being \"insincere and worn.\"

Jarrett Barrios -- president of the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation -- tells TMZ:

There is no time, context or occasion in which it is acceptable to utter racist and anti-gay slurs. Jericho\'s hollow apology \'if (he) offended anyone\' is a template used by many and is insincere and worn.\"

You know what else is worn? Nevermind, I won\'t go there. Anyway, this is what Jericho said:

the host jokingly takes Jericho\'s drink to sniff it for booze, when Chris chimes back, \"it\'s apple juice ... fag.

I wish my job was to find people who say the word \"fag\" and demand apologies out of them. No wonder the economy sucks so bad. This guy should be designing clothes or working at the Blue Oyster, not harassing Chris Jericho for making an off-hand, meaningless remark. Oh well.

Um Ew

Thu, 5 Nov 2009 14:02:21 +0000

Here\'s Britney Spears looking a lot like something a monster that lives in the sewers coughed up after a nasty lunch. I don\'t mean to be superficial, but damn, that\'s one ugly girl. Ten years ago, I spent a considerable amount of time alone in my room thinking about her, but now that I\'m down in the basemen and she looks like that, it\'s just not the same.

Hayden Panettiere Might Not be a Midget

Thu, 5 Nov 2009 13:59:01 +0000

Either Hayden Panettiere grew a few inches in the last month or Elle Magazine has the best photoshop expert in the world. Because she went from an all-out little person to an average height model. I really need to get hold of the guy who did this and ask him to airbrush me a 6-pack and some pecks. The ladies won\'t be able to resist me as long as they\'re okay with letting my magazine picture take them out for dinner while I sit here and watch The Biggest Loser.

Megan Fox in Unbelievable Rolling Stone Outtakes

Wed, 4 Nov 2009 17:35:48 +0000

Megan Fox is obviously the hottest woman on the planet, that\'s not really up for debate. But after seeing these pictures, I\'m thinking she might safely have other girls on other planets in other solar systems beat too. Mostly because they\'re probably weird with tentacles coming out of their chests and stuff, but oh well. Check out these Megan Fox pictures (and video) below. You won\'t be disappointed.

Carrie Prejean Suit is Dropped

Wed, 4 Nov 2009 12:59:13 +0000

In the most bizarre celebrity lawsuit of the year, Carrie Prejean sued Miss California USA for religious discrimination only to get counter-sued for $5,200 breast implants they paid for. It was an interesting double lawsuit to say the least, but that doesn\'t matter now because they\'re both dropped according to TMZ:

Carrie Prejean nets a big fat zero in her settlement with the folks at Miss California USA, sources tell TMZ.

Carrie and the Pageant officials have settled their lawsuits against each other and the terms were confidential ... until now.

We\'ve learned the Pageant will fork over around $100,000 for Carrie\'s lawyers and publicists connected with the public battle royale. That money goes directly to her flacks and not into her bank account. We\'re told Carrie personally gets zilch.

Well, that was a waste of everyone\'s time. I\'m considering suing both parties for my time back. I estimate the value at 36 cents and a new bowl of cereal because mine went soggy while writing this article. Not too happy about that.

Megan Fox Outtakes From Rolling Stone

Wed, 4 Nov 2009 12:50:53 +0000

There\'s basically nothing going on in the celebrity world today. Roman Polanski hasn\'t killed himself yet and none of the Kardashian sisters have a new sex tape, so it\'s just a boring day. Thankfully, a whole bunch of pictures of Megan Fox that didn\'t make Rolling Stone magazine have been released. And here they are in all their glory.

Brad Pitt Looks for a New Motorcycle

Wed, 4 Nov 2009 12:44:47 +0000

After being involved in the weakest crash in motorcycle crash history, Brad Pitt has decided to buy a new bike altogether. Because he\'s rich and he can. People reports:

\"I had a little mishap,\" he said at an Inglourious Basterds event in Tokyo on Wednesday. \"No injuries, except my ego. I was trying to get away from some paparazzi and instead gave them a good story.

\"It was my favorite bike, so that is really sad,\" he added.

\"I will definitely be looking at motorcycles,\" he said. \"You\'ve got some of the best builders right here.\"

He\'s talking about his bike like it\'s one of his favorite kids. Also, I saw the crash and there\'s no way that bike was totaled. It might\'ve suffered a scratch, possibly two, but that\'s about it. Then again, whenever you have 75 trillion dollars, you don\'t keep anything with a blemish. Now that I think of it, that would explain trading Jennifer Aniston in for Angelina Jolie. Cool, I\'m like a psychologist-detective. They should make a show about me.

Kim Kardashian Gets Punched in the Face for a Good Cause

Wed, 4 Nov 2009 12:38:33 +0000

The Daily Mail has an article about Kim Kardashian stepping in the ring for charity and getting knocked the F out. Okay, not really, but that sounds better than just getting punched in the face with a padded glove. Anyway, read on:

The brunette, famous for her curves, swapped her heels for a pair of boots as she faced her opponent, who had made the highest bid in a charity auction.

But despite dressing for the occasion in bright pink gloves and pale pink boxing shorts, the 29-year-old failed to win her bout.

The match nearly didn\'t happen after Kim\'s brother Rob Kardashian was first to take to the ring.

The 22-year-old was quickly floored by a barrage of punches at the event in aid of The Dream Foundation at the Commerce Casino in Commerce, California.

So the Kardashian brother who I had no idea existed gets his ass kicked around the ring in a CHARITY boxing match. That\'s probably the greatest thing I\'ve ever heard. If beating up annoying celebrities, or in this case, brothers of annoying celebrities, is what it takes to feed starving kids in Detroit, then this is great. I\'d personally visit the ghetto and hand out bologna sandwiches to punch Carrot Top in the nose 3 times.

Kelly Brook is Anne Hathaway

Wed, 4 Nov 2009 12:24:53 +0000

So it seems I\'m the first to discover that Kelly Brook is simply Anne Hathaway\'s English personality that she takes on when she gets bored. At least in the pictures below, they\'re pretty much identical. If they aren\'t the same person, then they\'re at least twins or, you know, just two celebrities who resemble each other. Yeah, probably.