Celeb Parasite

The Murderer Of Jennifer Hudson\'s Family is Going to Jail.

Fri, 11 May 2012 20:01:29 +0000

William Balfour, the man accused of murdering three members of Jennifer Hudson\'s family, has just been found guilty. He was convicted of 1st degree murder in the deaths of Jennifer\'s mom Darnell Donerson, her brother Jason Hudson, and nephew Julian King. Balfour was also convicted of home invasion and residential burglary.

In 2008, William Balfour murdered three innocents over a balloon gift for Julia Hudson, Balfour\'s ex and Jennifer\'s sister. A jealous rage sent him on a killing spree, all because he thought the gift was from Julia\'s new boyfriend.

I usually don\'t get too concerned with the personal lives of celebrities (aside from blogging about them), but I do feel good that they are putting away this maniac.

Maria Menounos Makes My Soul Happy.

Fri, 11 May 2012 19:56:29 +0000

There are just too many reasons why this gallery makes me smile. ... Actually, there are three solid reasons: Maria Menounos is in a tight pink dress, she makes sexy faces and she is hugging the Asian guy from \"Lost.\" (You\'re a slut, Jin.) She needs to keep hanging around the cast of great television shows, because that will make me love her even more.

WTF Katy Perry?

Fri, 11 May 2012 19:51:19 +0000

... something is wrong here. Something is terribly, terribly wrong. Not only am I not attracted to Katy Perry, but she is actually making me turtle a little (just think about that one for a while). God knows what inspired her to dress up like a goth tween, but let\'s hope she gets some sense to dye her hair bright pink and show her boobs again.

Poor Sean Bean is Frustrated and is Making Bad Decisions.

Thu, 10 May 2012 15:59:25 +0000

Rumor has it that Sean Bean was arrested in London yesterday on suspicion of harassing his ex-wife. He has been accused of making abusive phone calls and sending a bunch of text messages to his 4th wife Georgina Sutcliffe, who he divorced in 2010. But I know what the real issue is, here.

Poor Sean Bean has been killed off in almost every role he has had (the most recent being Eddard Stark in HBO\'s \"Game of Thrones\" ... uh, spoiler, I guess). That would make any acting professional just a little bit frustrated. So what if he harasses his 4th wife (and hey, jeez, Sean... stop jumping into long term commitments, maybe then directors will stop lopping off your head).

Nina Dobrev is Good at Being Famous.

Thu, 10 May 2012 15:53:29 +0000

Should a grown man be watching a vampire soap opera? Normally, I would tell you \"hell no\" and \"get off my lawn.\" But \"Vampire Diaries\" is a very special show... because it features one Nina Dobrev, one of the hottest young celebrities out there. She makes sexy faces in public, she has -2% body fat and she tickles Conan O\'Brien\'s balls with her foot. Boom. Celebrity skills.

So... What\'s Going On Here, Lindsay?

Thu, 10 May 2012 15:48:07 +0000

It appears that Lindsay Lohan had a case of the face melts the other day at an A&E event. I\'m pretty sure that injecting botox and collagen into a face can sometimes give this weird \"Mommy, please help me from the terrible monster!\" look. But I can\'t be sure, because I\'m too afraid of Lindsay\'s face to research this any further.

Some Lead Singer is Getting a Sex Change. Loves Anarchy.

Wed, 9 May 2012 10:26:48 +0000

You might know the band Against Me! from their hit, \"I Was a Teenage Anarchist.\" If you\'re familiar, then you\'d know that Tom Gabel is the leader singer. What you might not know (until 2 seconds from now) is that he told Rolling Stone magazine that he wants to become a woman.

He says he has a condition called gender dysphoria. The singer is planning to take hormones and undergo electrolysis to help his transformation into a woman. He is even considering surgery. And he is going to name himself Laura Jane Grace, but stay married to his wife.

Who knew anarchy led to changing genders?

I Want to Take Scarlett Johansson to Gala Events.

Wed, 9 May 2012 10:21:14 +0000

Scarlett Johansson is the type of girl that you can take home to momma... or to the 2012 Costume Institute Gala (which she just so happened to be at the other night). You know she won\'t take too many shots of whiskey and shame your family. And THAT means she is a winner.

Congratulations Scarlett on being ethereally beautiful and starring in \"The Avengers,\" one of the best movies of 2012. And for being another one of my future wives.

Jessica Jane Clement Has a Kitty Tattoo. Look at Her Right Meow.

Wed, 9 May 2012 10:17:30 +0000

I usually choose my celebrity bride-to-bes based on two things: 1.) are they hot? 2.) do they have hot tattoos? Jessica Jane Clement gets a YES to both of those extremely important questions. Not only does she have tattoos, but one is of a luck kitty (or whatever people of Orient-descent call them) and that\'s just good sense. Now, to keep her from having sex with Alexander Skarsgard...

Meet Mary Kate Olsen, the Evil Priestess.

Tue, 8 May 2012 16:44:05 +0000

Don\'t you miss when Kabbalah used to be cool? Now all of the kids are Satan-worshippers and dark priestesses, just like Mary Kate Olsen. She was seen at Metropolitan Museum of Arts\' annual ball in New York the other night, channeling beelzebub or whatever it is she was doing.

Danny Zuko is a Huge Creep. And He Will Rape You.

Tue, 8 May 2012 16:40:26 +0000

I always thought John Travolta was a nice guy... one incapable of sexually harassing his male masseuse and then masturbating in front of him afterwards. You think you know a person... The Daily Mail says:

The lawsuit includes explicit details of the alleged encounter which is said to have occurred after the actor responded anonymously to an online ad for $200 an hour appointment.

The masseur claims he was instructed to meet with the actor in a black Lexus SUV.

Travolta, who allegedly had Trojan condoms in the console of the car, is then said to have driven to the Beverly Hills Hotel and entered Travolta\'s bungalow.

The suit claims Travolta stripped naked and appeared aroused (then) began rubbing the masseur\'s leg an hour into the session, then touched his scrotum and his penis.

The masseur claims when he told Travolta he did not have sex with clients, the actor offered to do a \'reverse massage.\'

The suit claims Travolta then masturbated.

More news stories need to end with \"...Travolta then masturbated.\"

Kirsten SnaggleTooth Dunst is Back.

Tue, 8 May 2012 16:35:55 +0000

I thought we had rid ourselves of Kirsten Dunst months after her last appearance in a \"Spiderman\" movie. I paid $500,000 and explicitly told the men in the white van to end her snaggletoothed existence. I guess that\'s what you get for investing in your future with people you met in a back alley.

Amanda Bynes is a Woman Driver LULZ.

Mon, 7 May 2012 14:59:27 +0000

Last month, Amanda Bynes got a DUI and ended up on top of a curb (possibly also a helpless grandmother). Annnnnd now we just learned that she side-swiped someone with her Land Rover. Gee, she sure is swell!

An LAPD police helicopter that was already in the vicinity flew overhead as a total of six police cars arrived on the scene and made contact with Bynes.

(The LAPD said:) \"It turned out the damage to the pick-up truck was so minor that it was very plausible she had no idea that she hit anyone. Because of that, we decided not to charge her with hit and run, took a traffic report instead and sent her on her way.\"

It\'s super awesome when the police let celebrities do whatever they want! They are better than normal people!

Marky Mark\'s Low Hanging Pants Disappeared.

Mon, 7 May 2012 14:50:49 +0000

Taking a leaf out of his former self\'s book, Mark Wahlberg decided to wear low-riding pants. So low, in fact, that they were non-existant. Thank God the entire city of Miami got to look at this junk. Because what would life be without experiencing that?

The Avengers Made $205 Million This Past Weekend.

Mon, 7 May 2012 14:44:33 +0000

\"Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Part 2\" just recently held the title for the biggest opening weekend ever at $169M, but that record was smashed by \"The Avengers\" last weekend. The movie reportedly made $205 million in it\'s opening weekend. Currently, it has made $650 million worldwide. The past two months have been full of surprisingly good movies. The world must be ending.

Candice Swanepoel is a Working Girl!

Fri, 4 May 2012 12:19:55 +0000

It just so happens that her line of work usually leads to hear hanging out, half-naked, on beaches in St. Barts. Victoria\'s Secret has been working the girl hard, making sure they get enough pictures of her in a bikini to make the entire female population in the US depressed. And spend money on VS bikinis.

Lindsay Lohan is Hanging Out With Samantha Ronson Again.

Fri, 4 May 2012 12:15:48 +0000

Lindsay Lohan was seen at a bar with her ex-girlfriend, Samantha Ronson, in New York the other night. And since Lindsay is attempting to get clean, I\'m sure this is a SUPER idea. X17 says:

\"Lindsay and Sam were whispering and laughing and they left the club holding hands. They didn\'t care who saw them, and they definitely seem to be back on. It was just like the old days - they couldn\'t get enough of each other!\"

And when they say \"like old days,\" they probably mean there was lots of cocaine sharing, too, along with sweet nothings.

PopChips Pulled Their Commercial With Ashton Kutcher.

Fri, 4 May 2012 12:07:11 +0000

It\'s really hard to offend me... which is why I don\'t understand why PopChips pulled its new commercial with Ashton Kutcher. It features Ashton dressed up as many different people (white, white trash, Indian, etc)... and he is getting a lot of heat for it. True, he did nothing worse than what people do on SNL on a weekly basis, but of course everyone decided to be offended and call him a racist:

\"We received a lot feedback about the dating campaign parody we launched today and appreciate everyone who took the time to share their point of view.

our team worked hard to create a light-hearted parody featuring a variety of characters that was meant to provide a few laughs. we did not intend to offend anyone. i take full responsibility and apologize to anyone we offended.\"

It\'s good to see that people are finally getting rid of their senses of humor. Those are SO last year.

Kate Upton\'s Cat Daddy Dance.

Tue, 1 May 2012 18:16:55 +0000

Is \"cat daddy\" another way to say \"mana from heaven\" or \"BEST THING EVER?\" Because this video is exactly that. The best thing ever. (Note: it will also make you question the fairness of life, given the creeper who gets to hang out with Kate Upton and direct her to dance like a slut.)

Drew Barrymore is a Sexy Lady?

Tue, 1 May 2012 18:07:50 +0000

At one point in recent history, multiple members of the media agreed that Drew Barrymore was an attractive female. Now, after seeing these pictures from a photo shoot at the Huntington Library in San Marino, I want to say that those people were absolutely insane. I\'m not sure in what world a crazed clown baby is considered attractive, but it sure as hell isn\'t this one.